Today we got some marks back for one of our modules from last term. I’d worked really hard and I was hopeful that I’d done ok. Looking at my mark left me feeling… Disappointed. I’d done fine. The grade wasn’t bad. But I had hoped for more. I sometimes see my brain divided as two parts; there’s the rational, lovely Kate part of me but then there’s another bit which represents the self critical, unkind and unhelpful part. Now, that side, ever-so-slightly ‘crazy’ Kate is a basic bitch.
Looking at my grade, I was left to ruminate on it for a while. It was good but I had hoped for more and in a way felt I had worked hard enough to deserve a little more. The irrational thought processes started and I quickly went from ok to a mini existential crisis of sorts. What did this number mean in terms of my ability as a student? Perhaps I came back too soon? Perhaps I’m not cut out for Uni at all?! And I can’t even write so why do I bother?!
It wasn’t a long lasting crisis, luckily I had a lecture to go to, process, distract a little and rationalize. Of course it was an overreaction, but for the right reasons… I care and want to do well for myself as well as others. When I came back to it with a clearer head and practiced some of my CBT skills (checking it out, rationalizing, asking myself the alternatives and wondering what other people might say) it all seemed a lot more positive. I’d done alright and that’s what matters.
Crazy Kate is back in her box where her basic bitchiness should be!