Panic Can Be Silent

Today I panicked. It had been building up I think, ethics deadline, work, uni work… I’m on top of it but it’s scary and there’s a lot of it. There were definite vulnerability factors… My asthma had been a bit bad yesterday and I had an awareness I might be getting ill, I was tired, it was raining so I drove and I was worried about parking anyway. I got to uni… With my carefully planned schedule and there were no spaces. Of course… Circling around… Still no spaces. By this time my plan was falling apart and I wasn’t going to get to my lecture in time and I most certainly couldn’t walk in late.

So I panicked, the term so far at uni getting on top of me a little, the car park wasn’t really the issue but it was the catalyst. I don’t really panic visibly… You might not realise if you looked at me. My panic exists as a frozen feeling inside. Like the moment someone tells you bad news and all the blood drains from your body and you can’t move or really breath or do anything. Like when you miss a step on the stairs but lasting for minutes on end. Every horrible scenario rushing through my mind and feeling almost a little detached from myself, like I’ve curled up within myself and I can kind of feel what’s going on but in a detached almost drunk way. I’m there and it’s horrible but I can’t really tell anyone. I want to curl up and close my eyes and for it all to be over. I’m filled with ultimate doom, everything bad has and is and will happen and I’m frozen with fear that I can’t fix it. I had to go home, I couldn’t find an alternative, there was no answer. I was done.

It’s frustrating, I could have found somewhere else to park and turned up a little late, but in my mind that was rude and unacceptable and it was safer to just not go at all. I felt like an idiot, an hour or so later and I was fine and kicking myself for my unnecessary reaction. It’s hard when you have a moment where anxiety takes over. But I guess rather than beating myself up about it, I thought that actually I’ve been doing really well, have been to all my other contact time and done all my work. Gosh I won’t be the first or the last to ever miss a lecture, I’m a conscientious student and I work hard and will catch up on the work. I also have been doing really well and I have an anxiety disorder so it’s understandable that it’s going to appear every now and again, nothing bad happened and I survived. It’s just a blip I can overcome. 

I hope sharing this helps someone else to realize their not alone and that this crazy head stuff happens to other people too! 

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