I’d quite like to be content

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I’m so lucky to have Rendlesham Forest right on our doorstep, a few mins in the car with the dogs and the expanse of the forest and heathland awaits exploration. I savour the freedom and solitude I get when walking there, there’s such a peaceful stillness that makes me instantly feel calmer. It’s a space for me to just be, alone with myself and my thoughts with time to really stop and work out what’s going on in my head as well as to spend equal amounts of time mindfully noticing my surroundings without getting caught up with my thinking.

I’ve felt a little pressured and stressed recently; various things, decisions, responsibilities and just life in general have been niggling away. It’s not been unmanageable but it’s been there, a noticeable tensing and feeling of needing to be in control and at the top of my game. Of course I have noticed that feeling a little stressed has set me into a state of being pretty hyper-vigilant about food and food/diet/activity related comments. It’s not the fault of anyone around me, but it’s quite clear that my head has felt the beginnings of stress and began mobilising the ED shutters to try and protect me. I’ve noticed it and am definitely cancelling the work order and imploring my head to put the shutters away, they are not needed or wanted right now. I have my new coping skills and methods and to cut myself a little slack, it’s only been about two months since I left Naomi and I’m doing pretty well!

Anyway… this evening, I was thinking about what I wanted and I think I found something. I would like to be content. Contentment is a state of happiness and satisfaction, the feeling that yes things are fine right now and I’m fine with that. I don’t need anything particularly shiny and extravagent but a sense of being fine would be good. I feel like I’m still at a stage in my recovery where… if I was a boat and my brain the captain, my brain would be running around trying to pre-empt any leaks that might occur as well as looking for anything that may be a danger to the smooth sailing of the ship… doing the work of a few people at once. I’d be quite happy to have a feeling of contentment to do with my body image as well as the unfair expectations I put upon myself.

Perhaps it’s a goal to work towards.

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